First play being performed!

My first play takes place at the Semper theatre, next week...

Sunday reading

Do not read whilst eating

also read this...

Laws

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity:
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched . . .
. . . is directly proportional . . .
. . . . . . to the stupidity of your act

Law of Random Numbers:
If you dial a wrong number,
you never get a busy signal . . .
. . . and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because . . .
you had a flat tire; the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes),
the one you were in will always move faster
than the one to which you switched . . . (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water . . .
. . . the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know . . .
increases dramatically . . .
when you are with someone . . .
.. . . . you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone . . .
. . . that a machine won't work . . .
. . . . . . it will work fine.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional . . .
. . . to the reach needed to scratch it.

Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle,
always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats
several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early,
before the end of the performance or the game is over.
The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once,
have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end
of the performance. The aisle people are also very surly folk.

The Coffee Law :
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee . . .
your boss will ask you to do something which will last . . .
. . . until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room . . .
. . . they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces :
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich . . .
landing face down on a floor . . . are directly correlated . . .
. . . to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible . . .
. . if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance:
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking :
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy:
As soon as you find . . .
. . . a product that you really like . . .
. . . . . they will stop making it..

Doctors' Law :
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor,
by the time you get there you'll feel better.

But, don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

Easy money

Funk all those “How to become a Millionaire” books – I’ve got a blinder that’ll cost you no more that 2 rats and will make you a mint in a night. All you need for this is a group of mates, a Snickers bar and half a pint of cider. That’s your only investment. Here’s what to do.

So, you’re in a pub chilling with your pals – a warm Snicker in your pocket and half a pint in your hand. Go to the toilet, drop the chocolate bar in to the half-pint and place the glass on the shelf above the urinals. Return to your pals.

Within a few moments nature will call and one of the group will need to go for a piss. Thirty seconds later he returns in a shock “Some dirty scrubber and coiled one in a glass and pissed all over it!!”. (The Snickers has begun to stagnate and mix with the cider and a few peanuts are bobbing on the top – Artwork!)

Go and retrieve your concoction, slam it on the table and in your half-cooked state deliver the line “£100 and ill knock it back”

Out comes the money, down goes the food and drink and you’re not only £100 better off but also a mad-f**k in your mates minds! BOOM….Seeeeeya, on to the next pub…

Spotting Liars

EYE CONTACT: A bad liar feels uncomfortable with deception and may use tactics such as rubbing their eyes to avoid eye contact. If a pal does this while they're telling you about how fit last night's date was, you can assume they're being dishonest.

The opposite of avoiding eye contact is the fixed stare and this can also be a giveaway. This liar is determined to convince you they are telling the truth. If they hold eye contact for more than SIX seconds be suspicious about what they are telling you.

The fact liars can't look victims in the eyes is a myth. A liar often overcompensates eye contact in an attempt to convince the victim they're not making things up.

WHERE THEY LOOK: When right-handed people are lying, they tend to look right. With left-handers it's the other way round.

WHAT THEY SAY: How liars answer questions can also expose them and you should look out for what is called "a contraction". So for example if a truthful person is asked: "Did you falsify this report?" they will reply "No, I didn't."

Whereas a liar will have no time to think about the process and simply mirror the questioner's language and stretch out the sentence, such as: "No, I did not do that."

HOW THEY STAND: Liars will tend to cross their ankles or arms - but a lot of people are aware of that body language and will try to keep a more open posture to put victims off the scent.

Observing a person's stance when they're standing up can be a good indicator. A liar may deliberately position their posture at a right angle to avoid standing in an open position. If they do, they could be telling porkies.

WATCH THEIR HANDS: When kids tell a lie, they will usually cover their mouth and this is worth remembering.

Any kind of gesture from someone's hands towards the upper chest, face or head area - like scratching their head - can mean untruths.

Also, if somebody is holding something like a coffee cup or folder between themselves and you, watch out. They could be using it to create a subconscious barrier to hide behind.

WATCH THEIR LIPS: People's lips will go pale in times of stress. And if they are red-faced or white as a sheet while speaking to you this can be a giveaway too. This happens in response to the body's natural flight or fight response in times of pressure, which can be sparked by lying.

TWITCHES: Liars often twitch which can be one of the easiest signs to spot. Often it's the liar's eyelids which twitch or it could be a tiny muscle in the cheek or neck.

Males have an area at the bottom of the nose which actually twitches when we know we haven't told the truth.

WHEN WOMEN LIE: The biggest girlie giveaway is blushing and can be a sign your missus is lying.

Down the chute!

Doomed...

More Muslim hatred in Sweden

It's all so sad, this . Naivety, sloth, ignorance on behalf of Western governments. Read....and weep